About Jon Lybrook

Jon Lybrook is a computer programmer, artist, printmaker, and vipassana meditator living near Boulder, Colorado.

Fixations, Fears, and Focus

Galveston, oh, Galveston,

I am so afraid of dying,

Before I dry the tears she’s crying,
Before I watch your sea birds flying in the sun, at Galveston, at Galveston.”

People in Galveston, Texas have alot of genuine things to fear right now, as does much of the rest of Texas. As I write this, we are in the midst of one of the worst floods in recorded history.

People are trapped and stranded, fearing for their safety and that of their children and loved ones. It is truly terrifying to face your own mortality at the hands of nature, and there is nothing abstract of philosophical about it.  The poor town of Galveston and many like it, are under water.

The fact is underscored by the loss of the great musician Glen Campbell, who famously recorded the song in the 1960s.

I remember hearing ‘Galveston’ by Glen Campbell on the radio one night as a child. I was about 6 or 7 and fixating one part of the lyric “I am so afraid of dying…”.

With that idea firmly planted, I went to my parents that night just before bed, telling them that I was afraid of dying – maybe because I was truly scared, or maybe I was just trying to get out of going to bed like I did every night. Not even sure I told them I got the idea of being afraid of dying from the song, which was probably reinforced by our nightly prayers:


And if I die, before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take.


Scary concepts for a kid who barely has a grasp of how to ride a bike yet, much less deconstruct poetic song lyrics and form a healthy philosophy about death.

There was also the fact that my new baby sister had also just gotten over a serious illness, and I remember my parents later telling me they were afraid she might die, though they hadn’t told me this directly at the time. I think I probably sensed it based on their seriousness however.

In any case, I remember my parents’ response was kind of patronizing, telling me not to worry about my fear, that everyone dies at some point, and just to go to bed…  Hardly a solid, comforting, reassurance needed by a 7 year old not-yet skilled at self-comforting. However, I was determined to be heard, and this patronizing treatment made me even more committed to the idea that I was afraid of dying.

This, regardless of the rest of the song lyrics of Galveston, which actually paint a colorful portrait of a man in a moment of reflection of his desires. The death reference was a metaphor for his sense of emotional urgency I saw later, as an adult. It wasn’t actual fear as the 7-year-old me was playing it out.

Real fear is a part of our built-in survival mechanism, that runs on the biological chemical cortisol. The natural (or artificially induced) release of this chemical controls our Fight/Flee/Freeze automatic responses. Once true fear is invoked, it creates a primordial response that is, for our protection, essentially uncontrollable. It’s nature taking over the controls, focusing all our resources and energy on the fastest path to safety, be it stopping an attacker with force, hiding, or running away.

Part of Vipassana meditation (and many martial arts) training involves short-circuiting these lower-brained responses for when we truly don’t need them, so we become less inclined to react due to stress or fear.  This skill becomes stronger with each continuous meditation practice, though the level our abilities to focus may wax and wain by the day.

When meditation is working in a flow, this is more what I would call a state of focus where we maintain awareness of ourselves and our state of mind. A mind completely full of awareness might be called “mind fullness”. This, as opposed to fixation, which is a looping pattern of the mind.  During meditation we continuously drop from focus to more of a ‘fixation’ state. The state of mind that generates maximum stress in our body during extended meditation sessions.

The nature of this fixation loop is the default mode of the brain that can occur at the lowest level of functioning – when we are most tired and stressed.  The part that repeats all that negative self-commentary in the brain endlessly, encouraging us to give up — until you wake up enough to stop it’s negative droning and go back to meditating. This is the process toward faster enlightenment.

If only I had Vipassana as a 7-year old! The fear I had created about death in my young mind lasted for a few days, and is probably why that memory stuck with me.  It makes it clear now, how much fear we create ourselves on the basis of nothing, except for an abstract idea we’ve committed to. Fear created from something as ephemeral as a song lyric, or a political talking point, shows how powerful music in particular can be, and how our minds can be influenced by something simple or trivial as a mere suggestion, at the right times.

Our response to fear has a net effect in the real world, regardless of whether the object of the fear is real or imagined.  If the objective is peace, then address the elimination of the deadly emotions of anger and fear. They are emotional residue left over from the instincts of our animal-selves, which still exist and will never go away completely regardless of practice.  If we are to be human, we need to learn to live with them peacefully. Through that act alone, we gather wisdom.
Peace and harmony to the people of Galveston, TX.  May wisdom comfort your sorrow and minimize your suffering.  May all beings near and far be happy.
Galveston, oh, Galveston,
I still hear your seawinds blowing;
I still see her dark eyes glowing.
She was twenty one, when I left Galveston.
Galveston, oh, Galveston,
I still hear your seawaves crashin,
while I watch the cannons flashin’.
I clean my gun, and dream of Galveston.
I still see her standing by the water,
Standing there looking out to sea.
And is she waiting there for me,
On the beach where we used to run?
Galveston, oh!
Galveston, I am so afraid of dying,
Before I dry the tears she’s crying,
Before I watch your sea birds flying in the sun, at Galveston, at Galveston
Songwriter: Jimmy L Webb
RIP Glen Campbell 1936-2017

Meditation and Mental Health


Finding Happiness

Many people turn to Vipassana meditation as a way to understand the reason they are suffering mentally. It is clear that in order to benefit from Vipassana, one must have the mental capacity to focus and carry out the technique as prescribed. Some of us are too strong willed to perform the technique properly however, and choose to do it our own way, which my seem more relaxing, effective, pleasant, or what have you. This risks focusing not on what will help us to progress in our exploration of ourselves through meditation, but on our own feelings of narcissism. This is where meditation practice that starts out correctly can go very wrong and send us wandering off the path to enlightenment, and into the swamp of self indulgence.

The mediation technique is not about feeling good, it’s about performing a mental and tactile inventory and verifying everything is connected and working, regardless of our personal preferences. This is a concept many Americans have a hard time dealing with since our culture is driven by this idea we are all independently thinking and feeling creatures with entirely different needs.  While this is true on a genetic scale, the way Vipassana meditation was designed, the meditator must stop being the subject alone, and become the scientist, observing himself objectively, as well. This takes practice, and access to a higher mental framework than we are used to in day-to-day life. We must be able to see ourselves thinking and feeling and not take any of it personally. A mental contradiction, to be certain.

How to concentrate the mind’s focus on true self-improvement to better ensure long-term happiness vs. perpetual misery or worse, meaninglessness? This video featuring the voice of Dr. David A. Kessler helps to clarify by pointing out how our ability to focus our attention deteriorates, and is succumbed by emotion, so does our grip on the happiness we can control in our lives – eventually giving in to things like the irresistible and horrifically debilitating ride of illnesses such as manic-depression.

What you focus on expands in mental importance.  Proper Vipassana meditation practice helps sharpen the mind-body connection. Follow the technique, as prescribed, without adulterating it with your creative will. Otherwise you risk inflating the ego rather than purifying the mind. If you can control your focus better, you can control your ability to stay realistically focused on things that provide long-term happiness. More at http://dhamma.org

Picture Where You Live

Family Photographs - The Author with family.

I learn alot about my life and the lives of the people in my family by looking at old family photographs. I learn which people, activities and events gave them the most experience, joy, and hardship. Still photographs and videos have a remarkable way of bringing us back in time emotionally too.

Photographs merely bind personal data to other human beings related to us, whom we may know something about. What their names were, what they did for a living, who they married, and who they conceived.  Boring facts mostly.

While photos give us insight into stories about the past, genetic studies have created a crystal ball into our stories to come in the future. Genetic work predicts what we as individuals can expect by way of heart diseases, mental health, and other degenerative disorders. This information will be the key to treating diseases ahead of time, to minimize damage and help ensure a longer, happier life.

While genetic and medical data are factual and can provide scenarios for the future, it is the personal stories about the past that provides insight into the present. The stories about others are not about the subjects so much as the storyteller through what they tell about *others* in the family. These stories are what spew out our mouths when remembering the patchy information about our distant relatives and life events to the satisfaction of ourselves.  It’s contriving the actual narrative to go along with the factual fragments we decide to share, in order to create a realistic portrayal of our ancestors (who are an extension of ourselves), cleanly washed and pressed for the world to receive.

Maggie McReynolds describes making vicarious life decisions based on what we learn from our relatives, and that some of our decisions are based on their voices, rather than our own. She makes her case brilliantly in a compelling Ted-X talk using the metaphor Living in our Great-Grandparent’s Houses.

We generally remember best about times where there are photographs or videos, but letters people wrote and the stories they tell invoke a different mode of creative interpolation where we must “read between the lines” a little to understand not just the stories, but why people told the stories they did in letters at particular times in their lives.

Disruptive life-events are often unavoidable, but some are.  Many of us find ourselves in repeating cycles of counter-productive behavior, and the only thing that breaks us out of it, is some good old chaos and drama! If we can’t get distraction through life’s normal vicissitudes of births, deaths, changes of jobs, etc, we find something to create the distraction.

There are very good reasons to do all those things too, and distraction is necessary for survival at times of course, to gain perspective and break a rigid focus.  But my point is we tend to create distractions to avoid facing certain things in life. What if this distractive energy were able to be channelled into crafting more productive habits? This way, instead of responding to agitation by engaging in trivial distractions and mindless entertainment, we use the energy to identify and patch the areas of our lives that are causing us and our loved ones the most distress?

A little food for thought as we approach the new year. I hope you and your family have a loving holiday season and new year.

John Cage on Meditation

I met John Cage once in 1988 at art school, knowing little about him, other than his fame for the piece 4’33”, a silent, avant garde piece, which I first heard in an 8th grade music class. It confirmed to me then that we didn’t have to play by conventions for a contribution to be valid, and that there was something psychological and spiritual about music.  He was a gentle, pleasant man with white hair and kind eyes when I met him.  He was nearing the end of his life and seemed happy to interact with young people, all of whom he incorporated into a scripted, but free-form performance at the campus’ chapel. Sounds were made inside and outside the building for the performance according to his score.  One performer was quite distant and in charge of ringing a bill or something as I recall.

He once said “Disinterestedness is the natural outcome of meditation on the self and recognition of its lack of substance — then what can trouble you? freeing one’s mind from the grip of the self leads to spiritual ease — being at home in your own skin, free of self-attachment, cured of likes and dislikes, afloat in rasa. It’s how you open your ears to the music of the world.”

John Cage on Meditation

John Cage on Meditation

While we must have a necessary interest in the self to survive, one of the main concepts of Vipassana Meditation is to observe the sensations of the body but have no vested interest in whether or not the sensations are pleasant or unpleasant (since they are transient). The point is to observe compassionately, but with awareness of impermanence.  In this sense, the composer John Cage on meditation may have been quite critical of the “Like” and “Dislike” binary methods modern technology has forced us into using in order to represent ourselves and our opinions so narrowly.  It constrains the truth of our full human potential to mouse clicks.  While it doesn’t limit us all, it limits some, as many of us don’t know we can leave the box that contains our ideas to explore new ones at any time. Or ditch the box entirely, for that matter.  Cage’s musical notation was visual art as well.

The most recent thing that struck me about John Cage’s philosophy as it concerns meditation was his interest in silence as a purification method, allowing humanity’s natural goodness to come forth once the pre-programmed bile and nastiness has been purged:

“I noticed in New York, where the traffic is so bad and the air is so bad … you get into a taxi and very frequently the poor taxi driver is just beside himself with irritation. And one day I got into one and the driver began talking a blue streak, accusing absolutely everyone of being wrong. You know he was full of irritation about everything, and I simply remained quiet. I did not answer his questions, I did not enter into a conversation, and very shortly the driver began changing his ideas and simply through my being silent he began, before I got out of the car, saying rather nice things about the world around him.”

There is power in silence, which extends beyond the immediate self.

Truth or Consequences of PTSD

Enduring Peace - Photogravure by Jon Lybrook
Enduring Peace – Photogravure by Jon Lybrook

This weekend we heard about a friend that had been traumatized at seeing the death of a child. The friend whom this had happened to, and his wife had actually been first on the scene. This child died in his arms.

This friend had soon mentally locked into the story about this child dying in his arms, and identified with it so deeply, that he couldn’t escape. It consumed him.  This is a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  It can hit any of us for any random event we are mentally unprepared for dealing with. The friend’s response to the horrible event was to twist every new event and every new story to somehow be about or connected to that event. His own life story had essentially stopped because of the event, in fact.  It stopped because he couldn’t accept the reality of what happened and move on. It hit some core issues with him and his wife both I’m sure, since she was also on the scene and a part of “the story”. Those deep-seated issues having to do with trust certainly come up in PTSD victims.  Hoping the ending of the story is he was able to let go of it on such a personal level, and his strong personal identification as a participant in it. This is the ego at work, stressing out while trying to change the reality of our simple or complex delusions about ourselves and the world as a whole.

While we do not generally inflict trauma on ourselves and can not control that, we can and should try to control how we respond to that trauma as best we can. If we just leave everything up to fate, after all, that would be foolish.  If our minds are not prepared for an event, then they must expand and unwind to embrace the reality as laid before us, without shame or embarrassment, but with compassion and acceptance.  This is the way things are, and we have to accept it. This is also how we learn and grow. Resisting this natural process of mental development results in a feedback loop of minor mind-body pain that gets amplified over time, until the person becomes debilitated and dies from the pain, the neglect, or the morphine. The good news it does not have to be this way!

Vipassana meditation can help with PTSD, the main cause of which is not accepting the reality of what had been experienced. While I am not a mental health professional I have had a personal interest in this subject and have found vipassana meditation to be an effective method to understand the process of how and why we suffer.

We have to accept unpleasant facts so we have a clear basis of reality from which to plan our course to make the reality better – and truly better – not just what we think might be better.  And this is where Vipassana meditation comes in. Vipassana is not a religion, but a meditation technique that was taken from the basic meditation techniques taught by the Buddha himself 2500 years ago.  It’s a pure study of the interworkings of the human mind, and how it interacts with the body. Rooted in science and based on actual results, Vipassana meditation can be the fast track to identifying some of the core issues limiting us as individuals, and providing actionable methods for addressing our limitations super-effectively, while making best use of our native virtues as well!

Interview with S.N. Goenka ENGLISH from Dhamma server Spain on Vimeo.


Experiencing Self vs. Remembering Self

Alot of emotional things can come up during meditation, resulting in added physical stress while sitting still.  This is one very effective way to learn about what you feel and how your emotional and rational selves co-exist of course, is to meditate.  Freudian psychology referred to this also in terms of the conflicts arising through battles between the subconscious and the ego.  Conflict in the brain causes physical pain.  Harmonious co-existence of our two selves is the simple result of acceptance – sometimes profound, sometimes, through exhaustion of all other options!

This video I found via the great people over at Brain Pickings, stretched my skull a little (as Alan Watts used to say).  In it, psychologist Daniel Kahneman describes the phenomenon of the two selves, and how our idea of happiness is very different between the two respective experiencing and remembering selves.

My question is how strong is your conviction in general, if you can’t sit by yourself in meditation without moving for an hour, and without generating stress and anxiety that cause physical pain?  What is your remembering self inflicting on your experiencing self, and why?

Pluto Photos Illustrate The Granular Nature of Truth

In 2006, New Horizons Spacecraft left earth in search of better data about the solar system.  This week it achieved a significant milestone in the mission and returned some stunning data about the only planet ever to become publicly demoted from planet to dwarf, after over 75 years on the top charts.

Below are before and after photographs of Pluto from the NPR Website.  The left shows Hubble Space Telescope’s image of the former planet compared with the flyby image returned by the New Horizons spacecraft.

The difference in what is now known about Pluto’s shape and topography visually is nothing compared to the granular geologic and biological data that can be collected by spectroscopy during this flyby.  These photos show that only by going after the truth and finding it for ourselves, first hand, will we see how little we really knew.  And how fuzzy our assumptions are seen in hindsight, and how clear they seemed again here in the present.  To sum it up:

True understanding is subverted the moment we are comfortably satisfied  with our understanding of the truth.

“True understanding is subverted the
moment we are comfortably satisfied
with our understanding of the truth.”

– Jon Lybrook

The Passing of S.N. Goenka

While I never met the man in person, I learned meditation from him. Taking advantage of the increasingly affordable video recording technology of the early 1990s, Vipassana teachers worked with Goenka-ji to record his “Dhamma Talks”, which are still used to train new students to this day.

Training people to remove themselves from suffering is serious business, and Goenka-ji did it well. By providing training passed down from Burmese monks and from the words of the Buddha himself, Mr. Goenka distilled 30 day meditation retreats into 10 days of hard, but empowering training for those opting to participate.

In Goenka’s approach to Vipassana meditation, which is the central means to enlightenment in Theravada Buddhism, they are so concerned with following the instructions of the Buddha literally, that most teachers go on to become scholars of the ancient Pali language. This allows them to understand the meditation instructions given in the 2000 year old transcriptions of the Pali Canon and Tipitika from the Buddha himself, which had previously been taught through oral tradition. Goenka-ji maintains that the Burmese monks kept the instructions free from their own interpretation throughout the years, unlike many other sects of Buddhism.

Former president of India Pratibha Patil, takes blessings from S.N. Goenka during a ceremony in Mumbai on February 8, 2009. (EPA/Newscom)

Former president of India Pratibha Patil, takes blessings from S.N. Goenka during a ceremony in Mumbai on February 8, 2009. (EPA/Newscom)

I’ve already elaborated on my experience with learning the vipassana technique in this web journal. Here’s an account from another “old student” who learned from Goenka in the 1970s: